“You are strong enough to face it all, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.”
This is a very personal and difficult post for me to write but one that I feel like I need to share. A topic that has been weighing on my heart for awhile now but I never felt quite ready to talk about until now. One that I haven’t even shared with some of my family.
Seven years ago, when I first became a mom, I never imagined that my little girl would be the only baby I would carry in my belly or feel kick in the middle of the night. I always pictured my family growing and having the chance to give birth at least one more time.
I always thought it would be easy for me to get pregnant again because to be quite honest, my little munchkin was a complete surprise. An amazing surprise but, a surprise none the less.
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So, when we decided that we were ready to add to our family, we were prepared for it to happen pretty quickly. Unfortunately, however, it just hasn’t happened for me. Even after a few different periods of trying over the course of a few years, I haven’t been able to get pregnant again.
And it has been so, so hard.
For all the mamas out there who are struggling to get pregnant again: I see you. I have been there and am still there today.
I have celebrated so many friends and family members as they welcomed new babies into the world while trying to keep it together and breaking down on the inside.
I have sobbed in the bathroom, month after month, as I realize yet again that my period has come and once again, I am not pregnant.
I have endured countless questions about when we are going to have another and what are we waiting for. (One person even asked me if we were doing it right. Yup, that happened!)
I have felt so guilty for longing for a baby when I have a happy, healthy little girl right in front of me.
I have googled for hours on end only to find that secondary infertility is a very real thing and something that affects many, many women.
I have wondered what is wrong with me and why my body was failing me.
Mama, I have felt it all.
I have felt the pain, the hope, the disappointment and the guilt. The feeling that maybe we just weren’t meant to have more children and the acceptance that it just might not be in the cards for us.
Infertility can be such a lonely place. It can feel like you are the only woman in the room who isn’t pregnant and you can’t help but feel like everyone else can conceive while you are fighting one of the hardest battles of your life.
Whether you are having a hard time getting pregnant for the first time or are praying for that second baby, it doesn’t get any easier and you carry it with you wherever you go. It never leaves.
These feelings are raw. They are real. And they are okay.
Please, know they are okay.
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You will get through this, even if right now it doesn’t feel that way.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise and a new day will begin. Let out your pain and try to focus on gratitude. Gratitude for the little things in life like the sound of the rain hitting the pavement, the warmth of the sunshine on your face and the smell of your favorite flower. Changing my mindset has helped me tremendously to heal and move forward.
From one mom struggling to get pregnant to another,
Stay strong. It is not your fault and you are not alone!